04 March, 2010

Hate It Here





2010 has been completely miserable. It all started by me being a greedy money monger and thinking that teaching PLUS working 2 more part time jobs , while trying to write my thesis would be a good idea. Needless to say, I didn’t exactly start the semester off on the ‘right foot’. I worked and slept, and I think I ate sometimes too. Pages of thesis written = 0. Surprise, surprise! I was not enjoying life much, but dammit if I wasn’t enjoying have extra cash for the first time in 3 years. Never the less, I knew I was caught in a vile and vicious circle and so I made a vow to stop working at the bar after the Superbowl. I promised to devote Tuesdays and Thursday to working on my thesis only. I swore up and down I would prepare all my lessons for the week on Sunday, so I wouldn’t be bothered with figuring something about during the week (or 20 minutes before class starts).

And then my brother died and everything stopped and I didn’t have to follow through with any of those stupid things. My ideal day was in fact lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, and that’s essentially what I did. I had 16 ideal days in a row when I got back to PR in mid-February. After a couple weeks, I “went back” to teaching, but I didn’t really go back (let’s keep that on the DL…). Now I am there in body, but usually not in spirit even when I try. I still have not gone back to the bar or the coffee place, and really have no ambitions to at the moment. I’m quite enjoying my teach -3 –days- a –week- and -take -it –easy- schedule.

To add to this disaster of a month (which is essentially meaningless in comparison), 2 days after I got back to PR, my cat up and left me for another woman! My fucking cat ran away. That’s the thanks I get for not taking him to the vet and getting his balls chopped off?!?! Damn you, Kitten! Stupid animal instincts.

It's hard to keep doing things everyday like normal when you don't feel normal. For two months I couldn't drink alcohol -- not even wine. And I am saying this because it's not that I didn't want to, but I actually couldn't. The thought of food or drinking made me nauseous. Even WINE. I really really wanted to want to drink again, because then I would know I was back to normal (drinking is something I kind of "do").

I can drink now, but it's useless because I'm insane, and alcohol and insanity do not mix. Last weekend we went to Tamboo and were having a grand time, but then I a tall, gangly blonde kid sat down like 3 feet away from us. You wouldn't believe how many tall gangly blonde teenagers are in Puerto Rico, but I swear to God every time I see one of them I keep thinking it's my brother. And when I'm drunk it's obviously even worse, because I know it's not him, but I think maybe it could be him, like in another life or something. Or as an angel (who is watching me get drunk...errr..). Or just how this is what he would have looked like in 3 years. Something, anything, and everything - I think of every possibility and scenario. I mean, i don't *think* i'm in denial anymore. I understand he is dead, even though I don't understand why, but I can't help but keeping wishing I could see him again.< *SIGH* big fat sigh! Since my health insurance doesn't cover shrinks (surprise surprise), and the sleeping pills I tried t made me literally unable to fucking WALK, I'm trying to repair my mental (and physical) health guerilla style: Yoga. What the hell, it's the best alternative i have come up with so far. It's an experiment, and I'm going to keep track of it @ www.theyogatheory.blogspot.com

On a side note, I'm watching Gossip Girl right now and this show is beyond ridiculous. How are these people always like just "finding" each other when sometimes goes wrong??? Nate: "We have to find Chuck". IT'S FUCKING NEW YORK CITY! I would love to know your plan for finding this douche pouting in one of about a billion bars in one of the most populated cities in the World. WOW.

3 comments:

Marvin Quinones said...

hey dude. i started doing yoga a few months back for similar reasons. If you need to chat, feel free to hit me up. I'm supposed to visit the island this summer! My third time ever, wicked excited :) Hope you are well, love your blog and have been waiting for a new post for quite some time!

citizenofpuertorico said...

Ohhh mi querida Jessica...You know my past sad story too, and yes it is so hard to come to terms with tragedy. Notice I dont say death, if we had a traditional reason as to why the people we love are gone, such as 'old age', it would be so much easier. Reading about the bar episode, had me bawling :(. Now, COME ON!! the prepping of a lesson 20 minutes before class is not a new thing...:). Anyway, I'll be there in one month and we can go watch a silent, breath taking sunset in Rincon.

Jbird said...

Marvin: Has the yoga worked? for sure let me know if you come to the west coast of PR -- i'll be here for most of the summer!

Z: LOOKING FOWARD TO SEEING YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!! You have no idea. I need a 6 pack and a sunset, asap! I will have a pack of Blacks ready too. ;)
Also, i can't even tell you how many times i use the (insert your voice here:) "Jessica, Yes you CAN!" line to myself, hehehe.