04 May, 2009
it would be easier if you could just read my mind.
As of tonight, I have officially accepted I have a problem --- i cannot bring myself to actually admit or show when I am upset.
When did I first realize this was a problem? Ohhhhh, I would have to say when I got into a raging fight with my brother on New Year's Eve, and literally pulled over on the way home at Ma and Pa Chell's, just so I didn't have to be in the car with him for 1 more second --- and still managed to show up at their door with a smile as my brother drunkenly tried to figure out how to start the car, and if I really had just totally ditched him in someones driveway. When Donna opened the front door confused as to why the fuck I was there at 9pm on New Year's Eve and not, I don't know, with my friends, all I said was "Hi!" like this was totally normal or something.
Who does that???? Luckily, the Mike and Donna seem to have a 6th sense for these things, and it only took 2 Jack and Cokes for me to spill my guts to them.
I don't know. It's just not normal, is what I am saying. Why do I pretend to be happy when I'm not? Why don't I just let people know I feel shitty when I feel shitty? It always ends up screwing my over in the end. Conversation and openness is apparently a good thing, which I'm still trying to accept. Uuughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........
I guess the one downfall of living basically in paradise, and of kind of being a nomad in general, is that you eventually realize no one knows you better than people at home...and when the moments come around when you really just need someone to know you, they are all a million miles away...particularily when you are a type of person who just functions better when you don't really have to acually "say" anything to someone in order for them to assess your mood.
It sounds stupid, but sometimes living alone can be really lonely.