08 October, 2007

Boqueron and narrowly escaping death.

Let me first start by saying IF I HAD NOT BEEN drinking IN BOQUERON ON SATURDAY, there is a possibility that I WOULD BE DEAD or have minor poisioning.

I will start from the beginning. What better place to start?

SATURDAY 3pm - I was feeling damn good, because I had been somewhat productive in my academic endevours on both Friday night and Saturday morning. J & L were scheduled to pick me up at 15:00 and we were to embark on what would surely be a legendary journey to Boqueron, PR.

15:30 - J & L have car problems, and have stopped at a autoshop to work things out. I make a cheese plate for us in the mean time, because my mom had just sent me Burnett Dairy Cheese (World Champion Cheesemakers, by the by)--- sharp cheddar, string whips, Alpha Morning Sun, and Cajun. I also fill my flask.

16:30 -- J & L arrive. Now we much make a decision: to risk driving to Boqueron and being stranded if the car breaks down OR to not risk it and stay in Mayaguez.

WE TAKE THE RISK.

*Here I will stop with the chronological event documentation, because it would be impossible for me to continue that way for several reasons.*


The drive to Boqueron was very pleasant, and might I mention that roadies are kind of "allowed" in PR.

We enter the first bar --- seems nice, comfortable. Open windows, the breeze is coming in, etc etc. I am sipping my Medalla and thoroughly enjoying what appears to be a very competative game of pool between two very muscular women. I see they are wearing cut off shorts and construction boots. Hmmm...that seems to differ from the normal PR woman uniform of heels and mini's.
"Wait," I think to myself. I turned to look at our bartender. She is a woman...I think.
I turn back to the pool game. My eyes travel across the pool table, over to a table where 2 more women are sitting. Two very, very non- feminine appearing women. In fact, everyone in here is a very, very non-feminine woman.
"Could we be in a....?" I think to myself. "No! No...that's imposs....Oh.My.God."
I turn to Jason.
"I think we are in a lesbian bar."
Jason: "I thought the bartender looked like a lesbian!"
Ummm...yeah. The bartender and everyone else in here, chief.
"Leilani, I think we are in a lesbian bar."
Leilani (something along the lines of): "No shit."


Stage right.

Second bar, we meet some Americans who show us the *great* restaurant to get seafood.
The interior looks like perhaps I could be a Taco Bell. Maybe it was, I can't really say. But I do know my rice and beans was, how you say, extremely overpriced. That is, unless rice and baked beans are selling for somewhere to the tune of $10 these days. It was a very interesting dinner, none the less. VERY interesting. Very *ambiguously* interesting.

At some point during the night, we went to a bar where a DJ was playing good music, relatively speaking. It wasn't reggaeton, in other words. Yes, we had a 3 person dance party, which was more of a 2 person dance party because I was documenting the entire thing via video (please scroll down). Jaybo and Laybo got a round of applause after they finished The Hustle.
Jaybo was a guest DJ.
And then the reggaeton started.

Stage left.

There was a bar up these stairs that J thought would be an interesting place to go, despite the fact people hanging outside looked between the ages of 14 and 16. And interesting it was. I will tell you that the interior was designed to look like an actual ship, so yes, there was something good about this place. Unforch, being surrounded by people "dancing" (simulating sex) to reggaeton did not make up for it's interior superiority, and we had to leave.

Stage right.

***My computer battery is going to run out and the bitch next to me is using BOTH electric sockets, so i will have to continue this later...***

OKAY. I'm back.

So, eventually, the night ceased and we had to go home. And well, I don't have the ambition to write the story about almost dying again, so I'm going to copy and paste a chat describing the rest:

Rebekah: so, tell me about how boozing saved your life.
me: OK well, as you know we went to this town
it's like 20 miles from mayaguez i think.
and so that night, jason and leilani are driving to drop me off and we approch mayaguez and there is this AWFUL smell --- like hair dye
and then, what do you know, there is a "detour"
this is prolly 2 miles outsie the city
cops are everywhere, and we are like wtf is happening, this is a pain in the ass
because we don't know how else ot get into the city and we can't stop and ask a cop, obviously because a.) no hablamos espanol
and b.) drinking and driving issues
Rebekah: haha
me: SO, we are driving around trying to find some way to get into the city
and pretty soon we can hardly breathe
because this stupid smell
is burning us
so, we decided that probably there was a spill of some kind
since Mayaguez is a coast town
and then, my phone rings
and it's this girl who lives next to me
and she is like "the fucking ammonia tanks at the brewery EXPLODED
and everyone needs to evacuate the city
she lives literally across the street from thr brewery and she said she heard the explosion
and she went outside and it was all smoke and then some guy ran out of the brewery and yelled "clear the area!"
and people took off, running on bikes in cars
Rebekah: why do they have ammonia tanks at a brewery?!
me: that's what i said!!!!
no fucking idea
but so obv i couldn't get into the city
so i staying with jason and lei
and then the next AFTERNOON leilani went to drop me off, and they STILL wouldn't ket people in!
the ENTIRE CITY EVACTUATED
Rebekah: holy shit.
can you get back in yet?
me: YEAH, i fucking asked the cops "where am i supposed to go??" when they wouldn't let me in.
he told me....wait for it...THE CASINO!!!!
LOLLLLL
like i should go to the casino and wait until they let people back in, right, right
good plan stan
Rebekah: hahahaha
shut up!
that's a really great plan.
me: no joke
Rebekah: people who are already depressed going to a casino.
wonder if the casino blew up the tanks?
lol
anyone seriously injured or died?
me: yeah some people died
a lot of people had to go to the hospital for poisioning
because i can't even tell you how strong the smell was
Rebekah: good Lord!
me: and WE were like 2 miles away!!!
seriously though, if i had no been with them, i would have been in mayaguez, without a fucking car
stranded and breathing poision
Rebekah: totally screwed!
sweet.
now you can tell people your story when they tell you that drinking kills people. jeje
me: jejejeje exactly
actually, it saved my life, thanks










BOO!


Leybo goes candy shopping



Laybo goes dress shopping


wildcard of the night: They have nudie photo hunt in Puerto Rico!!!

Open container? No prob.

Leilani will fight....
any leprechauns that get in our way....

Jaybo controlling the music. Completely out of character!

The fun is just beginning, friends...

Are you depressed these videos don't have any sound??? God, I know. Me too, me too. Because I have a feeling if they did, *someone* could be expecting an Academy Award nomination come spring....(i mean, have you even seen such steady camera work...??? and the acting...! the ACTING! they're naturals!)


video



video

1 comment:

Julia said...

jess, you crack me up. once again your arguments justifying of alcohol (and experiences supporting your arguments) are really really really helpful to me in this nun life right now.
i love you, and i love hearing about your fabulous adventures!